Life has gone to the turtles
by MajourOrtho
Summary: Yep it's me, chika365. And the boys: Donnie, Leo, Raph and Mikey are back, and closer than I could ever imagine. Let me vent my woes on you. Plzplzplz?
1. Welcome to crazytown

"WHY. DID. YOU. MAKE. ME. A . BUNNYYYYYYYYY!"

Raph's words ring through my house. Aw pickles. He got on again and looked at my stories...

I try not to make him mad. I really do. But the problem is, I got to get these stories out of my head, and many of them revolve around him. They make him mad. Reba and the Bunny was my first one, there are only two chapters, but that's enough to make him mad already...

"RISA!"

"Ok, ok, Raph, let me explain. I had the story in my head-"

"IT'S ABOUT A BUNNY! BUNNIES ARE NOT TOUGH! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME A BUNNY!"

"Well because it was funny, Raph!"

"You were just trying to make me mad!"

"Nuh-uh. You weren't even here when I wrote that!"

"You knew it would make me mad! DIDN'T YOU RISA! Wait a minute...ARE YOU MAKING THIS ARGUMENT INTO A FANFICTION!?"

"No, no, I'm not..."

*computer shuts down*

"Writing that on there doesn't make it true, Risa! You know that! You're embarassing me! Erase all that or I will!"

Sigh... I push Raph off my computer. I'm just a young teen with a lot of imagination and a need to vent it. Raph knows that, but he won't accept it.

"At least make a TOUGH story about me!"

"You're acting like a little kid."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Raph, leave right now, or I'll sic Saydi on you." The 20-summat pound pup may be a lot smaller than Raph, and rarely draws blood, but she hates him. She's sure annoying, too.

"I don't care! Delete the bunny story!"

"No! It's my pride and joy, my debut! I spent a long long time on that story, no matter how short, and if you want to erase it, you'll have to get through me first! And you know what Leo and the others think about my stories. They love Reba and Bennu, and they'll be on my side. I may not know martial arts, but I can swing a stick pretty hard, and there's no way you'll get through all 4 of us."

And so, for now, I must leave this story, return to it another time... there's a bloated buffalo out for revenge on Reba Clementine, plus the story in question needs another chapter.

Until later,

chika365


	2. Ice cream caper

"Waugh!" Raph jumps as I tap him on the shoulder. I caught him reading fanfiction on my laptop at midnight again. I came out there and there he was, head propped up dreamily on his hand, mumblingly narrating the story to himself as he read. It's a habit we both share.

"Wait, are you narrating again?"

"Yup. You're supposed to be in bed..."

"Well, so are you!"

"Yeah, but I'm up 'cuz I was hungry, not to satisfy the longing to read manly stories about myself on the internet."

"Haha."

We walk back to bed. I a spoon into the half-pint of ice cream I retrieved from the freezer, one of the precious few I managed to keep hidden from Leo. Apparently, he has a secret love for Turtle flavored ice cream, I mean the chocolate kind, which is kind of funny, and kind of sick too.

"Raph?"

"wha."

"Is everything ok?"

"Yeah...why?"

"Oh, no reason. Just wondering."

The reason is that Raph was not reading one of the stories he usually does, stories with titles like "Raph is the best of all and he saves his brothers onca=e again and he is so manly and they are wimps who cannot take care of themselves and he should be leader."

No.

He was reading Reba and the Bunny.

As Raph goes back to bed, I hear a noise. Leo is sticking his head out of the room.

I am standing here in the hallway barefoot, a spoonful of ice cream still in my mouth and the carton right in my hand, the contents inside not yet beginning to soften up.

Leo smelled the ice cream through his sleep.

10 minutes later, he's still chasing me around the apartment. Silently, of course, so as not to wake Donny and Mikey. But Raph was still up, so we're all playing keep-away with that dumb old tub of ice cream...WHY! WHY oh why did I have to be so slow in the hallway! If I'd run instead of lingering with Raph, Leo would never have smelled the confection anyway...

I skid to a halt in front of the couch, breathless. "Time!" I whisper loudly. Leo, in a frantic effort to stop, falls over the couch. "We can split it."

But after a moment's scrutiny, we decide that we might as well just have a glass of milk and be done with it. Mikey might be a big fan of melted ice cream, and amusingly, so is Donnie, but neither me nor Leo can stand it.

Finally we all go back to bed, thirst quenched, stomachs full of milk. It's 1:00 in the morning. My dad would be SO mad.

But luckily, he's not here.


	3. Why Leo shouldn't be allowed to cook

I pull my hair back as I walk out of the room. It's time for my early morning jog, being 7:30. Raph meets me in the hallway, and the smell of coffee greets us in the kitchen. I love coffee makers, you know those kind you can set to brew at a certain time, so there'll be coffee when you wake up. It sure helps us keep a handle on Donnie's early-morning pre-coffee brain-dead slur. This time, he beat me to the coffee pot. I wonder why...

Then I remember. Oh no. It's Friday.

Friday is the day I go to art class. Friday is the day I have to leave the boys home. Friday is the day I run home in a panic, hoping the apartment hasn't burned down.

And sometimes, Leo even cooks lunch on Fridays...man, you don't even want to know.

I groan. "Whassamatter, Reese?"

"It's Friday. The day of horror, of burnt soup and possibly burnt apartments...of 4 maniacs left home, all by themselves..."

"Risa, we've been fine all the other times", yawns Donnie.

"Yeah but there's a first time for everything! You ALWAYS say that!"

I have him there. It's true.

After a lot of prodding on Donnie's part, I'm pushed out the door with my art satchel over my shoulders. I stop by the coffee shop before going to the museum.

* * *

I'm home from art class now, rushing into the kitchen at the smell of coffee. Coffee? At this hour?

Don must've left the pot open after he got some.

We all sit down for lunch...courtesy of Leo. I look into the pot gingerly. I just hope I don't die after this.

Leo glares at me. "It's not gonna kill you, Reese."

"How do you know?"

"Well Mikey tried it, and he's still alive."

"Maybe it's slow-acting poison"

"I didn't put any poison in there, Risa!"

"Ok, ok."

We all try it. I'm not a big fan, so I get a sandwich. But for once, to the others, Leo's cooking is edible. Mikey eats 3 bowls full. Raph has at least that many. Don and Leo conservatively eat 2 bowls each. At the end of lunch, the soup is gone.

"You're right, Don. There's a first time for everything."

* * *

(2 hours after lunch)

"Do ya have any skittles Risa? Doyadoyadoya have any skittles Risa?"

"No, Mikey. I don't have any skittles."

5 minutes later, he's asking me again.

"Leo! What was in that soup?" I yell over Mikey's constant "Doyadoyadoya".

"Uh...hamburger meat, boullion, and barbeque sauce?"

Wait a second...

"Donnie! How much coffee is left in the tin?"

"Precisely 20.00 ounces."

I measure the coffee. Sure enough, half of it's gone.

"How much boullion, Leo?"

"Uh...a lot?"

Great, he thought the coffee was boullion. Even Don doesn't drink that much coffee. The caffeine rush will hit them all in a minute. In 3...2...1...

"COME BACK HERE!"

Raph is chasing Saydi. CHASING SAYDI. Nobody in their right mind chases that dog around the house, hence the names "Rocket Dawg" and "Bullet k-9", because after 2 minutes of chasing her, you fall over dead.

Well, not really. But she is SUPA-FAST.

Yet there goes Raph, chasing that dog around the house, not tiring, even after 10 minutes.

He did have at least 3 bowls of coffee soup.

Leo has succumbed to the caffeine buzz at last and is outside jumping 10 feet in the air on the trampoline, laughing his head off.

Donnie, however, doesn't want to give in. He sits on the couch, watching the clock. I can almost hear him thinking, In precisely 5 hours the caffeine will wear off. At least 5 hours. I can sit still for that long, right?

But a minute ticks by, and a bead of sweat has dripped down his face.

He'll never make it through 2 minutes.

Sure enough, precisely 50 seconds later, he's running circles around the neighborhood, terrorizing kids on bikes, aggravating dogs, somehow finding ways to give everyone he meets a chance to say, "I met this lunatic yesterday..."

And here I am, sitting in the middle of the living room, with Mikey throwing tissues in the air like roses, Raph having a growling contest with the dog, Donnie is chasing a poor businessman back to work after an especially long lunch break, and Leo just fell off the trampoline right on his head.

I am never letting Leo cook lunch again...

It's going to be a long day.


	4. Dad's home, and a POV

I lie in bed. I was right. It has been a long day.

Donnie terrorized everyone who dared show their face in the open. Mikey terrorized me. Leo sports various injuries, and Raph and Saydi now foster utter hate for each other. (Raph won the growling contest, by the way...)

Finally Leo bounced all his energy off, Mikey fell asleep after the caffeine rush went away, Saydi won't let Raph out of the guest room, and Donnie...well, him I had to lock in his room with duct tape. Lots and lots of duct tape. I am in SO much trouble with the neighbors.

But my dad returns from his trip tomorrow. He's a pilot for the New York airport, so he's not home a lot.

In the meantime, I am plumb tuckered out, even though I didn't even get to jog today.

I fall asleep to the sounds of Raph and Saydi growling at each other down the hall.

* * *

Breakfast this morning goes easier than most. Donnie spent all night trying to pick the lock on his door, until he realized that the lock had been open the whole time. He's asleep with his head on the table now.

Mikey had a good rest and is relatively calm this morning, while Leo is sentenced to bedrest until otherwise commanded by his doctor. Aka, me.

And Raph...is threatening to roast Saydi for lunch. In his sleep. He finally fell asleep last night, in the guest bedroom...I'll be surprised if he doesn't wake up with a sore throat later on.

Not to self: Buy more cough drops.

So only Mikey and I are awake this hour, and I don't dare go jogging and leave Mikey virtually on his own for a whole hour.

I fix breakfast for me and Mikey and set about cleaning up for my dad's arrival. Comic books ar picked up and stacked in the magazine rack, video games reshelved, and otherwise messed-up places are fixed. I send Mikey to make his bed, and make Donnie's for him. Poor sleepy thing. I don't have the heart to wake him up now.

I peel the duct tape off the door and window in Donnie's room, and head over to get Saydi away from Raph. She's been guarding him all night, and the poor pup needs her rest as well.

I spend the rest of the morning reading a book from the library. And then my dad walks in.

Mikey scuttles for cover immediately, racing into his room and locking the door. My dad just can't accept the existence of the boys, and likes it better when they're not around. He's okay with me writing fanfiction. He's okay with me getting obsessed. But this...this was just too much for him.

I hug my dad, and walk into the kitchen to shake Donnie awake and herd him back to his room. I grimace as I look at the doorway. The tape might have come off, but there's still glue on the frame. That'll need to be cleaned up later.

"So, how have things been in crazytown lately?"

"Well, other than intensifying the neighbors' hate for me, the trampoline also broke, and Saydi's gone crazy."

"How did all that happen?"

"You seriously don't want to know, dad."

"Listen, honey. I love you very much, and I want you to have friends...but this has gone too far! You spend all your time trying to keep up with those...those things, and you don't socialize enough! I want you to have a normal teenage life, honey."

"What do you expect me to do, dad? With all due respect, it's not like I can just dump these guys at a daycare center and go on about my life. I certainly can't ask them to leave. They're my friends."

We go over this every time Dad's home, and then spend the rest of the day in quiet. But this time, I can't help but feel like we need to be a family again. "Listen, dad, let's go out for lunch. Most of the boys are asleep, and I can leave them money for pizza." Because no way am I letting Leo in the kitchen again anytime soon.

Dad agrees. I wake Leo and tell him the plan, and then we leave.

I just hope there's an apartment to come back to later on.

* * *

Mikey's POV

Because even Mikey has thoughts.

That's what she told me when she said I would get to have a POV.

And right now, whatever POV means, I wish it was more interesting. Because right now, all that's going through my head is 6...no, 5 letters.

B. O. R. D.

I mean, uh, BORED. I am BORED. Donnie's asleep. And Raph and Leo too. Risa's gone, and her dad. Saydi will no way play with me, the trampoline's broken, and all the video games just got fixed up, and that was hard work, I know.

Wait...maybe I can do hard work, too! I can play video games, and then clean them all up! Yes! that's what I'll do.

I pull out THE ZOMBIE KILLING GAME. It has a different name, too, but I like the ZOMBIE KILLING GAME lots better.

First I'll shoot that one, and then use this shovel over here to bash this one's guts out...and kick that one- Oh, I'm dead! Aw man. He ate my foot.

And there goes one of those ones that crawl around...

* * *

Here's where I cut off Mikey's POV, because it got boring. My dad's in bed, and I should be, too.

"It was NOT boring...zombies are fun!"

"That's not what you put in a POV, Mikey."

"But I wanna play the game some more!"

"No it's time for bed."

I hear dad's voice from the other room. "For goodness' sake, child, go to bed or I will personally put you there and tie you up with rope!"

Mikey goes to bed as fast as possible.


	5. Backstory

Monday has come. For many it starts a long and hectic week, and they just can't wait until Friday. But for me, Friday had better stay away. My dad will be home for the week, and with him home, the boys are much more docile. My dad has a short temper and tends to get a response from each command.

Leo's still bedridden from that unfortunate trampoline incident, Mikey is playing video games quietly in the living room, Donnie is in his room working on something-or-other, and Raph is...well, I don't know where Raph is. But come on. I can finally have a peaceful moment without having to worry about one of them! I mean, he's 15, my goodness. He can take care of himself.

So now that I finally have a moment, I can tell you how these guys came to be living in my apartment. Hence the chapter name: Backstory.

* * *

I was asleep. Well, more appropriately, I was TRYING to sleep. My apartment rests in gang-fight territory, and it's not always peaceful around here.

Shouts came from below. I could recognize the shouts of a gang member I was quite familiar with. (I even got him thrown in jail for 2 years once.) His name is Tamren, and he listens to what I say most of the time. I get it from my dad, I guess.

I stuck my head out the window. "Tamren!"

"Kinda in the middle of something here, freckles. Go to sleep."

"How am I supposed to get to sleep with you YELLING out here the whole night?"

"Well what else am I supposed to do?"

"Yell silently!"

It didn't work. Gang-fights just aren't meant to be quiet.

With a moan, I flopped down on the bed and stuck a pillow over my head. I let my thoughts wander to ponies and french fries and plot bunnies...

Until a huge dark shape flew through my window, with the awful splinter of glass. The window shattered into a million pieces, all over the carpet.

"You're paying for that, creep!" The figure moaned. It was obviously hurt. I flipped on the lightswitch.

Glass was scattered across my bedsheets, across the carpet. Bloodstained glass. Bloodstained carpet.

And a giant turtle lying in the middle of my room.

"Oh, okay, okay...trying to calm my fluttering heart...be still, my beating heart..." I gasped, and sat on the bed. Then I realized I had to help this guy.

"TAMREN!" I bellowed, sticking my head out the window.

"Where's the freak?" He demanded.

"You're not getting the freak tonight. Leave off."

"You know you shouldn't get in the middle of things, freckles..."

"Get out of here."

Scowling, Tamren slunk away. The turtle behind me gave a moan.

"Oh, be still, my beating heart..."

I crouched down beside the turtle. I had recognized him immediately as one of the only 4 talking giant turtles in New York.

A red mask encircled his head...so it was Raphael. The tough one.

"Don't faint, don't faint", I coaxed myself. "Eeeeasy, girl, eeeeasy..."

I touched the turtle's shoulder. "Ay, there. Wake up."

Moan. That was all he did.

"Ay. I'm here to help you, won't you get up?...Okay, maybe not."

I looked around the room for some way to move him. I couldn't examine him with all this broken glass. I pulled the blanket off my bed, reminiscing about moving furniture. I spread it on the carpet and, with a lot of pushing, pulling, and rolling, got him on it. I pulled the blanket into the living room.

Now I'll skip the part where I treated Raph, talked to him and introduced myself.

And I will also skip the part where I crawled down into the sewers and fetched his brothers. I'll keep on skipping, right on up to the part where Mikey goes:

"Can we live with you?" You see, their father was, and still is, in Japan at the moment, and it's lonely and scary down there alone.

So this is a temporary arrangement, but naturally-being a fangirl and all-I said yes.


	6. The Pod of Solitude

"Ri-sa!"

My dad's call jerks me out of my reverie.

"What is it dad?"

"Come here! I need to talk to you for a sec."

I walk into the kitchen. Let me warn you before you hear this, my dad's a little eccentric.

"Welcome to the pod of solitude."

What did I tell you?

"Otherwise known as the kitchen, dad."

"Yes, but it's also known as the pod of solitude."

Then Donnie walks in, and my dad jumps up from his seat.

"EX-cuse me, sir, but do you have a reservation?"

"To get a cup of coffee, you mean?"

"No. For the pod of solitude."

"The Wha...?"

Donnie trails off as I make a coo-coo sign around my right ear.

"Yes."

"Well, let me see..." My dad grabs a notebook off the counter and flips through it.

"Are you Mr... " He squints at the writing. "Piece-of-cheese?" That must be Mikey's hamburger recipe.

"Yes."

I am barely holding back giggles as I film with my iPod.

"Well, you're not on here. Now go."

Dad begins to push Donnie out of the kitchen.

"But...but I'll pay you a million dollars!"

"Are you trying to bribe me, sonny?"

"No! I'm just paying for my reservation!"

"Reservations are free."

"So let me in!"

"No! It's by reservation only!"

"How do I get a reservation?"

"Call this number!"

My dad scribbles on a post-it note and shoves it into Donnie's hand.

"Mr. Milano-"

"I am Mr...uh...podofsolitude-guy!"

"Mr. Podofsolitude-guy, this is a drawing of a pig."

"No, it's you. Now leave."

Dad pushes Donnie out and shuts the door.

"Now Honey-" He sits down. "As I was saying...you need to socialize more."

He is cut off as his cell phone rings. Regardless of who it is, he shouts into it, "DON'T YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T BOTHER PEOPLE WHILE THEY'RE IN THE POD OF SOLITUDE?"

"I'm trying to make a reservation."

Luckily I didn't stop filming when Donnie left.

"Mr. Piece-of-cheese? You again!"

"Yes. I need a reservation."

"For when?"

"For right now."

"Well, just a second sir."

My dad waits as a minute ticks by on the clock, and then: "Well I'm sorry, sir, but it's not right now anymore. You missed your chance goodbye!"

He slams the phone on the table. Then, realizing that it's cordless, he turns it over and presses the end call button, grumbling all the while.

"Now as I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted-"

The phone rings again.

"WHAT!"

"I need a reserva-"

"Sorry, we're closed!" My dad turns off his phone.

"NOW."

It's allI can do not to burst out laughing.

"AS I was saying-"

"DING-DONG!" yells Mikey really loud from outside the kitchen door.

"WHAT!"

"Open the door and I'll tell you."

Grumbling, dad opens the refrigerator door. "What?"

"I think he meant the kitchen door, dad."

"Well, he just said the door, so I...nevermind."

Mikey is wearing one of Dad's sweatshirts. He sets a refrigerator box on the floor. "Did someone order a...totallydelicious...pizza?"

"No."

"I did, dad!"

"Kinda big for a pizza, don't you think?"

"It was the giant-size, dad. You know how the guys eat."

"Oh. Yeah. NOW LEAVE!"

"You kinda gotta pay me, man, I mean I don't even get an allowance around here..."

In answer, dad shoves a cinnamon roll into Mikey's hands.

"Thanks. Now I gotta go hide from Raph."

Yeah, that's another story.

As soon as the door shuts, Donnie bursts out of the box.

"Ah! My arch-nemesis...Mr. Piece-of-cheese! What were you doing in that pizza box?"

"I ordered the surprise, dad."

"Very clever, piece-of-cheese...But you're no match for my GIANT BAGUETTE OF POWER!"

Dad grabs a baguette from the counter. I double over in laughter.

"How about my...SPOON OF TRUTH?" yells Donnie.

I'll save their superhero battle for another chapter. Right now I'm laughing too hard to write much more.

I am SO putting this on the internet!


	7. The Pod of Solitude part 2

I speak into the iPod's microphone to add effect to this internet video.

"Yes, it is me, Risa Milano, reporting to you live from Crazytown! Today we are witnessing an epic battle between neighborhood superhero Mr. Piece-of-cheese and Mr. Podofsolitude-guy! It all started when a reservation request from Piece-of-cheese was disregarded by Podofsolitude-guy, and this is now a full-blown feud using only the Giant Baguette of Power and the Spoon of Truth!"

Donnie uses his spoon to back my dad into the living room. Raph stands beside me, occasionally cracking up.

"Mr. Reporter-assistant!" I reprimand him. "This is a deadly battle and it is no time to laugh!" I turn the camera towards me and apologize, "We're sorry, but our novice intern Reporter-assistant does not know how to be serious."

Mikey comes over to join the fun. Our shouts have even drawn Leo out to the living room. Seeing a chance to add to the commotion, Raphael grabs a mophead and smacks it on top of Leo. "Quick, Leo! You're the damsel in distress...Mrs. Helpless!"

Mrs. Helpless glares at Raph, but heads out to the commotion all the same. "Save me save me o noble piece of cheese. Help."

Donnie grins nobly. "I'll save you madam!-With the help of my sidekick-"

"-Mr. Uglyguy!" supplies Raph.

"Yeah sure. Mr. Ugly-guy." Mikey glares as he heads towards Donnie. "Take this poor young woman to the safehouse!"

Mikey grabs Leo's arm and leads him to the kitchen, the makeshift wig falling askance on the way. "Wait!" I yell. "I though that was the Pod of Solitude!"

"My fortress!" cries my dad.

"You mean OUR fortress", corrects Mikey. "Cuz we uh, we uh, we secretly put all kinds of guns and shields and spy stuff in it so uh...now it's ours!"

"Bravo, Ugly-guy, you saved the day!" I shout.

"BUUUUUT..." my dad says dramatically, then whirls into a rage of fast talking, "I-secretly-put-a-bomb-in-the-Pod-of-Solitude-that-will-go-off-in-one-minute!"

"No! Mrs. Helpless will blow up! She's my sister!"

"I am not!" Leo objects, sticking his head out of the kitchen. Mikey rushes over. "I'll save you, sis! With my...REMOTE OF CONTROL!"

"NOOOO!" Yells my dad. "I'M PRESSING THE DETONATE BUTTON RIGHT NOW!"

Mikey grabs a remote off the table. "HAHAHAHA! PAUSE!" He presses the pause button. My dad freezes comically in mid-stride with his finger an inch from the "detonate button".

"Yes! We saved the day!"

"No, I saved the day", Mikey objects.

"But if not for my Spoon of Truth, Mikey, you would have died out there."

"I'm MR. UGLYGUY."

"Okay. Well eliminate the word Mikey and put in Mr. Uglyguy."

"Okay." then suddenly, Mikey gasps REALLY LOUD. "MY SISTER! WHERE IS SHE!"

"I'M NOT YOUR SISTER, UGLY!"

"HELPLESS! Are you okay? DID YOU SURVIVE?"

"No, Mikey. I died."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO-" Mikey takes a big breath. "-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"Okay, Mikey. I was just kidding."

"So until next time, folks, we have just seen two superheroes in a fight to keep safe our city...and Mikey's sister!"

I stop recording, and realize everyone's staring at me.

"Honey," says my dad really seriously, "You had better not put that on the internet."

"Okay, dad."

He leaves. Raph sidles over to me.

"You're putting that on the internet, right?"

"Totally."


	8. Mikey's method of stress relief

Stress.

Stress follows me everywhere nowadays. I've got 4 ninja turtles living in my house. I have to leave them alone for 8 hours a day, did I mention school started up? Their dad's still not home. I broke my arm because Raph found out I was reading death fics about him and his brother and he got upset, so he chased me around the house until I tripped over the coffee table and fell on my arm.

Every day I come home to a new disaster-Leo food poisoned Donnie on accident. Mikey broke the TV. Raph got his leg torn up by the furious dog. Donnie fell through the trampoline. The neighbor pestered everyone out of their minds.

I am STRESSED OUT. When will Splinter come home?

I wake on Saturday to a deep blue funk. My dad's gone. Splinter's gone. Mikey wore out his mattress jumping on his bed for an hour this morning. The dog evidently got up on the table and ate Raph's cereal, and now he's arguing to Donnie that she did it out of spite. Luckily Leo managed to stay out of trouble this morning. I can't keep up after everyone with a broken arm. I flop down on the couch and wait until Donnie pacifies Raph with a new bowl of cereal and leaves the dog with me. There's not much to do about the mattress...too bad it wasn't insured.

Eventually Mikey notices how depressed I look. "Hey, you look like you could use some cheering up."

"Yes Mikey, you could cheer me up by staying out of trouble."

Mikey persists. "You know what I always do to cheer myself up?"

"Get into trouble. Or is that just your occupation?"

"Uhhhh...Whatever that means...I guess. But I prank people when I'm sad. It makes me feel so much better", he says, giving me a goofy smile.

"So this explains why ranch dressing got dumped on my head the other night."

"Yeee...ahhh", Mikey says sheepishly.

" I should never've let you watch Spy Kids 4 with Raph."

"Yeah. Rebecca's my role model now. So, wanna try it?"

I ponder this awhile. I hated the ranch dressing, but the pictures cracked me up afterwards, and every time Leo gets busted with a water balloon, I crack up. Maybe pranking someone wouldn't be so bad...Especially a certain best friend of mine who BROKE MY ARM last week...

"Let's do this."

* * *

20 minutes later, Donnie walks over to the whiteboard he set up in his room.

"AAAAARRGH! MIKEY!"

Me and Mikey high-five each other, as Mikey calls, "It wasn't me! It was Rebecca! She climbed out of the TV in the middle of the night and drew on your whiteboard!"

We drew all over the whiteboard, adding doodles between the rows of immaculate numbers, drawing mouths around the calculations so the numbers looked like teeth.

"I don't believe you, Mikey!"

"It was Raph, I saw him!" I call. The truth is, it was us:)

"What?" Raph looks up from a BATMAN comic.

Donnie storms out of the room. "RAPH!"

"What?"

"YOU DREW ALL OVER MY WHITEBOARD!"

"No I didn't genius!"

"Yeah you did! Risa doesn't lie!"

I watch as Raph is chased over the house. He manages to shut Donnie in a closet for a second and stops in front of me, panting.

"Why would you do that?"

"I got you back for breaking my arm."

"I'll break your other one!"

"I'll kick you out!"

Donnie bursts out of the closet. That's one furious genius. I film with my iPod until I think Raphie's had enough, and then confess that it was me and Mikey.

Donnie stops. "Well, Reese, since your arm's broken, I'll forgive you this time."

Mikey whoops.

"Now hold on, bonehead, I didn't say I'd forgive YOU!"

Mikey screams, just like a girl, and soon I'm filming again.

* * *

Next prank is Raphie. I know, blaming him for our last prank should've been bad enough. But though friends expose the real pranksters, BEST friends ARE the real pranksters. Every time my friend Luke falls asleep at Brian's house, Brian paints his toenails. Brian is my inspiration.

Raphie sleeps on the couch a lot. He just falls asleep in the middle of a TV program or comic book. Today's our lucky day.

I pull out a makeup set I got for my birthday form my friend Jasmine, but I don't normally wear makeup, so it has never been used.

By the time me and my accomplice are finished with him, Raph has soft pink blush, purple eyeliner, pink toenails, bright red lipstick, and hair drawn on his head with a sharpie. Poor, poor ninja. Raphie will find out about the toenails the first time he looks at his feet, but Donnie borrowed every mirror in the house for a project, so we're going to make Raphie wear makeup unknowingly for a whole entire week. Luckily he doesn't shower often.

10 minutes later, a howl summons me from the kitchen. Raph is holding his foot like something bit him. Mikey's on the floor rolling around with laughter. I quickly snap a picture of Raphie-boy's face, then go to the bathroom for the nail polish remover.

Over the next week I've compiled a video series of Raph going about his daily life with makeup on and a fairly large amount of photos, which I will send to cousins Reba and Roscoe, and also my pen pal in Virginia.

Finally it's Saturday again, and Donnie's done with the mirrors. "Rise-and-shine, sleepin' beauty!"

"Literally", Leo snickers. Wait till I get a picture of this. Raph wakes up to us all gathered around him.

"Uhhhhh...what're you doing?"

"Your mirror, sir", Donnie says with an English accent.

"What?"

"Look at your beautiful reflection, Raphie!" Mikey teases.

"Why?"

"I nearly fall over with contained laughter as I film. "Just do it, Raphie-boy."

Raph looks in the mirror and screams. Better yet, he sounds just like a girl.

"WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"Put makeup on you. About a week ago", announces Leo.

"MIKEY!"

Mikey backs away. "But it was Reese, too!"

"She has a broken arm, so you pay DOUBLE!"

Maybe there are upsides to having a broken arm.

Finally I coax Raph to stop chasing Mikey and help him wash the makeup off his face. It takes a whole bottle of nail polish remover to get the fake hair off his poor little head. He will never forgive us for this, but it was worth it. Well, he'll never forgive Mikey. But me he'll forgive, since I'm his best friend.

* * *

Finally, Leo falls victim to our little pranking obsession. We dye his cereal milk green and put a rubber rat in it. Leo won't be drinking milk again for awhile. But it wasn't as good as our other prank, but he did scream like a girl, and that was good. Mikey was right, I do feel much better.


	9. Spiderman pays us a really weird visit

The end of September is near and we're all enjoying the nice, cool New York weather that defines our Autumn.

Things have cleared up considerably. My arm is out of the cast, Splinter's home-finally!-and the boys are back at the lair.

Right now, Mikey dragged everyone over here for a video game tournament. Mario Kart. We all obsess over this game. (I'm the champion by the way, but Raph maintains a close second.)

Toad pulls ahead of Yoshi by a millimeter. I whoop as Raph growls frustratedly. He bumps my back wheel unhappily.

"Heeeey! No fair!"

"Yes fair."

"You could bump me off the track doing that!"

"Better you than me."

I angrily jostle his elbow.

"Now THAT is no fair."

I jostle him again.

"OW!"

He sends my controller flying across the living room. Mikey angrily presses pause.

"Raphie boy, that was not nice!" He fusses comically.

I pick up the controller and punch the accelerator hard as Mikey presses Resume. I zoom across the finish line, hearing Raph whine and growl.

"NOT FAIR, REESE!"

"It's not my fault you're not as radical as me. You snooze, you lose Raphie-boy! You should have been ready!"

As I end this sentence, a huge red shape has crashed through the window.

I yell in frustration. "AUGH! Why always my windows! You are SO paying for that!"

"Sorry", moans the red-clad figure on the floor.

Then another shape zooms through the window, widening the hole and landing hard on the glass coffee table, breaking it clean in two. "And YOU are paying for THAT!"

The figure rises. "No one threatens the great, the powerful, the IIIN-VINCIBLE...EEEEEEELECTRO!"

"Yeah, ok. Mikey, go get me the water jug from the fridge."

"No, wait! You...you don't have to do that! I'll pay for the table, and the window, and I'll even take this creep off your hands!"

"I don't think so."

A hissing noise sounds as I pour water over the sniveling figure. (Haha. I said sniveling.)

I push the empty water jug back at Mikey, ignoring everyone's astounded stares as I take in the ruined living room.

Broken glass. Wet and bloody carpet.

Giant red figure lying on the floor.

"Is that Spiderman?"

"Y..yup."

"What's Spiderman doing here?"

I smack Raph upside the head. "He lives in New York, dummy. Like you."

Raph growls at me. "I knew that! I meant, what's he doing in your apartment?"

"Oh, I don't know, Raph! Maybe he's lying on the floor amidst broken glass! Now help me move him!"

We lift the barely conscious figure onto the couch. I survey the living room again, dismayed. Quickly Leo and Donnie offer to clean it up.

"Thanks, guys." I turn back to the red-clad figure on my couch. "Man, my life has gotten REALLY weird lately..."

Mikey whispers in my ear. "Reese, whatever you do, don't make this into a fanfiction, cuz if you accidentally reveal his secret identity, Doctor Octopus might read it and find out!"

"Evil guys don't read fanfiction. It wouldn't be fair, cause they'd learn all their opponents' secrets."

"Oh. Are you sure."

"YES."

"Really."

"YES, MIKEY!"

"Okay, okay!" Holding up his hands in peace, Mikey backs off.

I take Spiderman's mask off, realizing he was breathing heavily and making a wet spot on the mask. Raphael gasps.

"Reese, don't do that! Now everybody knows his secret identity. NOOO! It's PETER PARKER!"

"It always WAS Peter Parker, KNUCKLEHEAD!"

"...Oh. YOU REVEALED HIS SECRET IDENTITY! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!"

"I was THINKING, he'll be really UPSET if his MASK gets ruined by his LABORED BREATHING!"

"Well he'll be even MORE upset that you REVEALED HIS SECRET IDENTITY!"

"Meathead, listen. Anyone who ever watched the show knows it already, ok? So CALM DOWN! WE ALREADY KNEW HE WAS PETER PARKER!"

"Well, I didn't! You ruined it, Risa!"

I sigh. No use arguing with this knucklehead. All our arguing has woken up Peter, who gasps at his surroundings.

"Where am I? And-My MASK! MY IDENTITY! I'M RUINED!"

"Told ya." Raph smirks.

"Listen, Parker! Anyone who watches the show already knows who you are. Bad guys don't watch it. You're safe. You're FICTIONAL. NOBODY IS GONNA REVEAL YOU TO THE REST OF YOUR DIMENSION."

"Oh. Ok."

"And I was wondering if you could answer my question...Why do fictional characters keep crashing through my windows?"

Truly, the appearance of Peter has got me almost fainting. But I'm keeping myself conscious by yelling at Raph.

"Uhmmmmm...I honestly have no idea. But I'd better get going in case anyone else sees me and freaks out."

"Okay, Spiderman. Here's your mask."

"Why did you take it off me in the first place?"

"Cause you were getting it wet and I know you hate it when it gets messed up."

Parker gasps. "Have you been SPYING on me?"

"No, Parker. You're an international star. Hard to explain. Now get going before Electro pops up again somewhere."

"Ok. And, uh, thanks."

He disappears through the window.

OH MY GOODNESS SPIDERMAN JUST VISITED ME AND HE DOESN'T EVEN EXIST HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE.

Then I faint.


	10. Raph and Cinnamon Rolls

Do you remember in the Pod of Solitude, when Mikey was paid by cinnamon roll and said something about hiding from Raph, and I said I would explain it later?

Guess what: I even skipped over how we played Truth or Dare yesterday, just to write this. You, dear reader, should feel very privileged. Because in writing this chapter, I am risking my very life.

I will be killed by Raphael if he finds out about this. I will be wrapped in duck tape and put through my dad's document shredder. Then I will be shipped to the middle of shark infested waters. I won't even get a peaceful death. I won't even get to tell people where my final testament is that says who gets all my stuff. I won't even have a COFFIN. No, reader, I will be sentenced to the tortured death described above.

Well, maybe not. But that's what he says, anyway.

But this is really really funny. I can't resist. So here goes.

It happened after Raph crashed through my window that time, when I made him stay inside for awhile because Tamren was sure to come after him. He was bored. And you all know what we do when we get bored, what our moms fuss at us for, what even the grinch knows is a bad habit.

When we're bored, our body tells us it's hungry. And so we eat.

I was in the kitchen, getting a snack. I was actually hungry, because I had come home from my morning run and hadn't had breakfast yet. Well Raph walks into the kitchen at that moment. He had waffles for breakfast, perfectly cooked, he's actually pretty good with waffle irons.

Anyway, he was "hungry", and so he looked in the fridge. I was pulling out a cinnamon roll. Don't ask me why it was in the fridge, I'm about to tell you, be patient, will you? It's because I don't like them gooey. And so if they're in the fridge, they harden up. And they're better that way.

"What's that?"

"A cinnamon roll."

"A what now?"

"You mean to tell me, you've never had a cinnamon roll."

"Nope, never."

"Well, open your mouth and close your eyes-"

"No way am I closing my eyes. Gimme that."

Unwrapped the cinnamon roll. Shoves it in his mouth. 3. 2. 1.

His eyes pop out, like when they turn all white and stuff. Now don't tell me that's not possible, he's anime, remember?

"Hey, that's good. Got any more?"

"I think you're just eating cause you're bored, Raph."

"Am not."

"I only have 2 more, and I didn't eat breakfast yet. Get a waffle if you're still hungry."

"Awww...but you've got 2! PLEEEEEEASE".

Whoa. Here's where I got an idea: He's whining...he's crying...dingdingding! Maybe I've stumbled on a way to control this guy!

"I don't know...are you sure you won't get a stomachache?"

"Yes."

"You suuuuuure?" I drew out the word to sound more annoying.

"Yes! Gimme them!"

"First you have to wash your breakfast dishes."

"No."

I pulled a cinnamon roll from the fridge and waved it around in front of his face.

"Ok...fine."

"EVERY DAY."

"Awww!" But another look at the cinnamon roll, he was captivated. In less than 2 minutes his plate was washed, dried, and put away.

"Now can I have it?"

"Ummmm...I don't think so. I'm getting awful hungry, Raph."

"But why can't you have a waffle, and I'll have the cinnamon roll?"

"You're gonna get fat if you eat too many of these."

"I'm a ninja. Ninjas don't get fat."

"Unless you eat too many cinnamon rolls, then you'll have to become a sumo wrestler."

"Awwww! But pleeeease!"

"Sit." I dangle the cinnamon roll above his head, opening the package so the smell wafts out tantalizingly. Now he's under my control. He sits.

"Lie down. Now roll over. Good Raph."

I dropped the cinnamon roll, and he caught it, cramming the whole thing into his mouth. Before he even swallowed it, he was asking if he could have the other one.

"No. You've had enough."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Well you were a bad boy for talking with your mouth full."

"I won't."

Using a cinnamon roll, I get him to do all the work around the house-cleaning up stuff, doing laundry, washing stuff, vacuuming. It still works to this very day. It's probably how I'll get out of being shredded and shipped to the sharks.

"REESE!"

"What?"

Aw, man. I forgot he kept tabs on my profile.

"DONNIE! WHERE"S THE DUCK TAPE!"

"In the kitchen." Uh-oh. That's where I'm headed...If he catches me, I'm shark food!

I grab a cinnamon roll out of the fridge as he comes in, and I assume defensive stance, the roll held in front of me like a sword.

"Stop right there or the cinnamon roll gets it!"

It takes a lot of bargaining to get out of writing that chapter. In the end, he's free to eat cinnamon rolls at my house for breakfast every day.

It's better than being wrapped in duck tape. Then I would never get to write tha next chapter.


	11. A discussion on falling off cliffs

Whew. No shredding for me. Just a silent Raph, eating cinnamon rolls. We sit at the table, my laptop in front of me. Leo's wandering through the house...I think he's bored. Mikey wanders in, and Donnie is tinkering with something at the counter.

Why are we all in the kitchen?

"I don't know."

"Raph, you quit reading it! You're not supposed to read new chapters till I post them!"

"I wanna read the conversation one. Go to that one."

"No."

Raph gets kinda annoying when I give him too much sugar.

"Hey, wanna hear something funny I read on the internet?"

"If you'll quit bugging me."

"You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder."

"Raph, that's mean. Would you really do that?"

"Well, if someone fell off a cliff, yeah, I mean, that would be kinda funny, cos they'd be going all like "Aaaaaaaaagh" and then they go splat at the end."

"What if it was me?"

"Well, uh, I still might-"

"RAPH!"

"...no."

"Hey Donnie, if you fall off a cliff, do you die?" Mikey demands.

"Well...it depends how high the cliff is...let's just say it's wise to not go jumping of cliffs."

"Wise words, Donnie", I say. "See, Raph, they go splat, but then they might DIE in the process."

"Well if it was Shredder...then I'd laugh really hard, like MUAHAHAHAHA-"

"Raphie-boy, I think you've had enough sugar for today."

"But-"

"You're sounding like Mikey."

"Okay, okay."

"Hey Donnie, you know in the movies, how whenever you fall off a cliff, there's a branch or something? Does that happen in real life?"

"It depends, Mikey. Don't go try it."

"But you always say, test your hapotamus-"

"Hypothesis."

"Hipothosomis, so why can't I test MY hipososamus?"

"I think you're getting it mixed up with hippopotamus, Mikey. And you could just test it by, like, looking, you don't have to throw yourself off to test it."

"Where's a cliff where I can test my hippopothathis? And if there was a branch, why couldn't I jump off?"

"Fortunately, I don't know where there's a cliff anywhere in New York. And you couldn't jump off because that's dangerous."

"Hey Reese, wouldn't it be funny if a hippopotamus jumped off a cliff?" Raph asks. "And then it would make, like, the best splat ever..."

"I think you mean a Hypothesis, Raph", Mikey says gravely.

"No, Mikey. I meant a hippopotamus."

"I bet YOU'D make a great splat, Raph", I say. "Test THAT hippopota- I mean, Htpotthe- Donnie, you mixed me all up!"

"Hypothesis."

"Yeah. What he said."

"I wanna test the hippopotamus!" Mikey says gleefully.

"NO", Raph says.

"No what?" Leo's eventually wandered into the kitchen.

"No more cinnamon rolls for Raphie-boy", sings Mikey.

"Why?"

"Hey, you could throw a bus off a cliff...Reese, write a story about me driving a bus off a cliff!"

"That's why."

"Oh. Sugar high."

"Just wait till it leaves, and then he'll be grumpy..."

"...and then the bus would go crunch and all the passengers would be all screaming and stuff..."

"I think cinnamon rolls unlocks his dark side."

"I thought his normal state was already dark enough."

"...Maybe it would be worth driving off a cliff, just to see it!...Donnie, do you have a bus I could borrow?"

"Don't let him take the shellraiser, Donnie! Tie him to his bed if you have to!" Leo pleads.

"NO PRISON CAN HOLD ME! I WILL DRIVE MY BUS THROUGH IT!"

"You can't have a bus, Raph."

"I'm gonna ask Sensei if I can have a bus for christmas, so I could drive it off a cliff..."

"We have any duck tape?"

"...or a duck. You could throw a duck off a cliff, and it would go QUACKQUACKQUACK all the way down..."

We lock Raph in his room to boil off the energy. He's too busy talking about throwing a bomb off a cliff to even notice.


	12. Quick explanation

Hey Donnie,

This is for you. You're the science guy, so you explain all this to your bros. I had to go out today, but I've left you this to find when you woke up because I finally figured it out and couldn't wait to tell you.

We've always been puzzled at how you've been living in New York for 15 years, and no-one ever discovered you. We've puzzled over how Raph could have gone through my neighborhood and only Tamren knew about it, how he crossed through several backyards with dogs in them and never once got barked at, and the creepy part: How he had noticed a little girl staring straight at him through her bedroom window and she didn't react. It was like he was invisible.

Well he was.

I've conducted a series of studies, snapping pictures of you guys and showing them to people. "What do you see?"

All but one out of 40 answered that they saw a little turtle swimming around in a bowl. And when they saw Raph with makeup on, they said, "Aw how cute, you dressed him up."

And the one different answer was said only after I had told them, "Look, it's a picture of a ninja turtle from that show on Nickelodeon..."

So my experiments have come to this conclusion.

Only a small number of people can see through the haze which protects the many dimensions layered over ours. Tamren and I are two of those precious few. Others can only be shown once it is proclaimed by a seer. To another slight number of the earth's population, the citizens of other dimensions appear in their dreams or as thoughts in their heads. These are the people credited with the creation of the characters, which are then used to populate comics, books, TV shows, and other paraphernalia.

My conclusion is this: It's safe to go out! Most other people can't see you! I'd just wait until you can be accompanied by me, because there's no telling as of yet how many other seers New York possesses.

I bet you'll take this news happily and tell your brothers quickly. I'll be back by 3:00.

See ya later,

Reese

I leave the note on the counter, amazed at my own discovery, completely convinced that Donnie will find it as soon as he wakes up. Then i leave for the day.


	13. Plot Bunny

I walk back into the apartment, a wagon pulled behind me. Sopping wet, my umbrella sacrificed to keep dry a mini-rex I found in the gutter.

I look down. Man. The carpet's gonna need washing. Regardless, I pull the wagon through the living room to the kitchen, making a mess in the process, a strange conversation meeting my ears as I go.

"So if kiwis have hair, dont'cha need to shampoo them?"

"Hair and fuzz are 2 different things."

"You're not LISTENING to me! I SAID-"

"I know what you said, Raph. Kiwis have fuzz. You don't need to shampoo them."

"But, just to be safe-"

Apparently, his sugar high from yesterday hasn't worn off.

"Risa, you're making a huge mess!"

"Well, Leo, if you're so upset, you can clean it up!" He shuts up. I had a hard day, of forgotten money and mile-long lines, rainstorms, occasional flash floods, and a call from the neighbor asking if I could stop making my life into fanfics, seeing as it wasn't "A productive activity".

The answer was NO.

I unload the wagon, the rabbit placed on the counter.

"You brought home ROADKILL? How did you know that's Raph's favorite food?"

"CINNAMON ROLLS?"

"No, Raph. It's a poor little rabbit."

"Are ya gonna keep it?" Mikey wants to know.

"Definitely. Maybe I'll name it..." The bunny's green eyes stare back at me.

Hmmm. Green eyes.

Inspiration strikes.

"Raphie!"

"Didja call me?"

"No, that's the bunny's name", I say wickedly. "Raphael."

"No, no no NO! Ya can't name a bunny after me! You already make up weird stories about me!"

We'll call him Raph Jr.! Or RJ, for short!"

After a long argument, I name the rabbit Plot Bunny. PB for short, though Mikey objected it reminded him of Peanut butter.

With Plot Bunny placed in a cage with clean food and water, now my biggest worry is the carpet.

"Where's Saydi?-I feel like barbecue."

Oh, and that turtle on a sugar high.


	14. Meet the neighbors

I lean over Donnie's shoulder as he sits on the couch.

"What-cha do-in?"

He's tinkering with a phone, but jumps as I speak.

"Oh, hi, uh. I'm ex...examining this phone?"

"Why're ya so nervous, Donnie? And where did you get the phone in the first place?"

"I...Found it?"

"Nope. Tell me."

"Okay, fine", he sighs. "I got it from Mr. Deeno. He dropped it in the hall, and it's a Blackberry Generation 4. A GENERATION 4, Reese! I've been wanting to mess with one of these for FOREVER!"

"You need to give it back."

He sighs. "Fiiiine..."

Then the phone rings.

"I'LL GET IT!" Yell Mikey, Leo, and Raph at the same time. I have NO IDEA why all kids want to answer the phone, but they grab it out of Donnie's hands and place it on the floor between then as Donnie and I watch helplessly. There's no way to get between those 3 and a phone.

"Hello, this is Beena industries, calling for your job interview?"

"I'll take a large pizza!" Mikey says immediately, and the 3 of them keep on talking as I facepalm numerous times.

But at the end of the call, Mr. Deeno has somehow miraculously gotten the job.

I walk over to the old crow's apartment and walk in. He's practically deaf, so there's no point in knocking.

"MIST-ER DEENO!"

He's in the living room, kneeling and looking under the couch.

"OH. HI, ANNOYING NEIGHBOR. I'M LOOKING FOR MY PHONE. GO AWAY."

"I HAVE YOUR PHONE."

"WHAAAAT?"

"**I HAVE YOUR PHONE, MR. DEENO!**"

"OH. GIMME THAT, I'M LATE FOR MY JOB INTERVIEW."

"YOU GOT THE JOB ALREADY."

"WHAT DIDJA SAY, KID? SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

**"YOU GOT THE JOB! YOU START ON MONDAY!"**

"OH."

I leave a very perplexed Mr. Deeno and head back to my apartment. Great, now I have a sore throat.

Ten minutes later, the doorbell rings.

Oh, great. Probably, Donnie did something, or Raph went over there and terrorized them, or Mikey went and pestered them, and it's somehow miraculously all my fault.

I open the door. It's Mrs. Honeybell.

Oh great. You know with her, it would be a blessing for her to report Mikey pestering her in the middle of a phone call, because the alternative is that she believes she can come in your apartment and have lunch and poke her nose in your business and make herself at home.

"Hellooooo, Mariisa..." She has this really annoying habit of singing every word she says, and drawing it out really long.

"It's Reese, Lavender." She hates for me to call her that.

"Yes, I knoooow. Childrren these days...no respect..."

She goes into the kitchen. I better follow her or she'll try to find something to eat, and she makes a bigger mess than Mikey on caffeine.

Mikey on caffeine...that gives me an idea.

I pacify Mrs. Honeybell with a couple of cookies, grab a cinnamon roll, and hope she doesn't follow me.

Where's Raph when you need him?

Asleep, on the couch of course.

Normally I would tease him. Let that tantalizing cinnamon roll smell seep through his dreams and enrage him. But I'm in too much of a hurry to get Mrs. Honeybell out of here, so I slap him in the arm.

"Wake up, Raph."

"Wha...? Why, Reese?"

"Cinnamon roll."

"Oh! Yay!"

"For a PRICE."

"Nuh-uh, Reese. I'm not letting you do that to me."

"But the problem is, exterminators cost too much, Raph."

"BUGS!? Oh, NUH-UH!"

"Not bugs. Lavender."

He groans. "Even worse."

"I'll give you the cinnamon roll...if you TERRORIZE HER."

"Oh...okay." He hates being manipulated. But the temptation of a cinnamon roll is too much for him to resist.

I wait as Raph sneaks towards the kitchen door, hastily putting my iPod on the Video setting. Then he ducks into the kitchen and...

"ROOOOOOAAAAARR!"

"It's a mutant!" I scream.

And I tell you, Mrs. Honeybell races out of there like a squirrel with its tail on fire, as my dad would so poetically put it.

Raph is hot on her trail, all the way to her apartment door.


	15. Nothing short of riot

"How do you spell FBI?"

Mikey is sitting on the floor of the lair, trying to finish his homework. Splinter's been homeschooling them, and his report is due tomorrow.

"Mikey, what kind of a question is-"

Donnie's cut off by Raph. "C-Z-X-V-B-P-H-Q."

"Okay..." Mikey's tongue sticks out as he concentrates.

I laugh. "Raph, why did you do that?"

"Wanted to have some fun with him."

A moment later, Mikey's protest rings through the abandoned subway station.

"Raph, you lied! That spells CZXVBPHQ! Not FBI!"

"You asked, bro."

I roll on the floor laughing, because that sounds like my cousin Carlos. "You liiiied!"

It was from when he was telling us about some dude that got told carrots are good for your eyes, so he stuck them IN his eyes...

"You spell it F B I, Mikey", Donnie tells him.

"That doesn't help me. I asked you to SPELL FBI, not say it really slow!"

"BUT THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL IT, Mikey!"

"Whatever, dude! I thought you were sposed to be a genius!"

A moment later, Mikey's scribbling away at his tattered piece of paper.

"So how'd you end up spelling it, Mikey?"

"E-F-B-E-E-E-Y-E."

"EFBEEEYE. Okay, that works. What are you writing, anyway?"

"It's about genres."

"How does FBI fit in with that?"

"Well like TV genres...there's grown up shows like Sensei watches, and then boring shows for old people, and teenager shows like you and Raph watch, then kid shows, and baby shows."

"So how does FBI fit in with that?"

"Well, you know it's a news show, like CSI and IBC."

"IBC is a soda, Mikey. I think you mean CNN."

"Aw, man! I spelled all those hard words for nothing!"

Raph and I fall down and...wait, how do you spell ROFL?

"Like WAFFLE, only with an R", Raph says between laughs.

Mikey is pouting on the couch.

"Hey Reese, remember that time you forgot how to dial 911?"

"I was hyperventilating that time! You're the one who thought you could clean the motorcycle with a comb!"

"Donnie told me it was a cleaning tool!"

"I was pointing to the brush, Raph."

"You have really crooked fingers or something, Donnie!"

"How do you spell PBS?"

"G-H-J-R-"

"Enough, Raphael!" Splinter's voice cuts through our laughter.

I collapse against the couch, trying to catch my breath, as Master Splinter takes Mikey's report and tries to help him with it.

Things sure can be a riot around here. At least it's not my apartment getting ruined.


	16. 3-way basketball

I open the entrance to the lair to find Mikey grinning at me. 3 INCHES IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

I jump back screaming. He always likes to startle me.

"MICHELANGELO!"

"Whoa, dudette, did you just call me by my full name?"

"Yes."

"How are you, Marisa Angelina Milano?"

I have to slam the sewer lid shut to stop myself from punching him in the face. When I open it again, FOUR turtles stare up at me.

"LEONARDO, RAPHAEL, DONATELLO, AND MICHELANGELO, QUIT THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT! WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

Each of them cringes at their full name. Heh. I'm only an 80-pound 13-year-old, 2 years younger than they are, and I can still control them.

Then I notice Raph has a basketball.

"Whoa, is that a basketball, Raph?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"What were you going to do with it?"

"Why are you talking to the sewer?" A little kid looks at me curiously from a few feet away. On instinct, I squeal and jump into the entrance, clanging the lid shut behind me.

Aw, man. People think I'm weird enough without jumping into the sewer.

"Thanks for breaking my fall, Donnie!"

"GET OFF ME."

"So about the basketball...do you know how to play?"

"Oh, yeah. Donnie taught us. We were wondering if you wanted to play a game with us", Leo answers.

"Yes, I do! Basketball season just started at school. You wouldn't believe it, but I'm among the top 5 players!"

"At your height?"

"Yep."

So we head over to the park. But then there's the dilemma of teams.

Raph and I team up of course, but the number of players means that one of us will have to sit out. Mikey is voted to sit out.

"Relax, Mikey...you can play the winner!" Leo says.

"There are 2 on a team. That wouldn't be fair."

Then my dad shows up. Turns out he came home from his flight a day early, and thought he might find us at the park. Can you believe he went as far as to call Master Splinter and find out? Neither of them are accustomed to cell phones. I'll have to explain later.

"Hey, dad! We're playing basketball. 2-on-2."

"But there are 5 of you."

"Yes, but, Mikey's playing the winning team."

"By himself? So he doesn't get to play the first round?"

"No."

"Then I, for the sake of justice, shall be on his team", says my dad heroically.

"So...you're helping him play the winning team?"

"Nonsense! We'll play against you guys!"

"But...dad, that's 3 teams! You can't play basketball with 3 teams!"

"Who says?"

"Daaaad! Can't Mikey just be with me and Raph, and you can be with Don and Leo?"

"But it's more fun this way."

"He has a point", admits Leo.

"Okay."

The basketball court becomes a battlefield as 3 teams try to take the ball. Mikey gets it, and my dad yells, "TIME!"

"3:00", Donnie answers.

"Donniiiiieee...what is it, Dad?"

"Which basket is ours?"

"Uhhh...Leo and Donnie's. You can share."

"Awww! No way!" Leo whines.

"Whassamatter, Leo? You know you should share", Raph teases. Surprisingly, it works. Leonardo is the good boy, and stuff like that really gets him.

And so chaos ensues as 3 teams battle for the ball. Dad dribbles towards his basket, but is intercepted by Leo and Raph. Raph is annoyed by Leo getting in his way and skillfully flips over him, "accidentally" kicking him in the head on the way.

"OWWW! I call foul!" Leo objects.

"There are no fouls!" I yell gleefully as Raph passes me the ball. After which an argument is conducted over whether there can be fouls or not.

"If we're gonna be as unruly as to have 3 teams, I don't think there should be fouls", Donnie says grumpily.

"There should be! Someone could get hurt!" Leo objects.

"You mean YOU could get hurt, scaredy cat."

"No, I mean-"

"If we're ninjas, I think we can play basketball like ninjas!"

"We're not all ninjas", My dad intervenes.

"I'll protect you, Mr. Milano!" Mikey is enthusiastic.

And so the rule of no rules is established and enforced.

A few scuffles later ensue about whom scored which basket. Supposedly Raph shot the basket, but it was off course, and Leo, in reaching for the flyaway ball, hit it onto the right course, so it should have been his basket...in the end we get the basket.

Mikey is horrible at basketball. Donnie is great. He can even get a dunk with a ninja jump.

Our only real competition is Leo's team; In the end, we're tied. Dad doesn't want to quit playing after the 4th quarter.

"We should have another inning!"

"Innings are in baseball, dad."

"Another round!"

"Rounds are for wrestling."

"Then another...whatever!"

"They're called quarters."

"Okay, another quarter."

Donnie butts in. "Technically you can only have 4 quarters of a thing."

"Maybe we have 2 things!"

"I don't see why we can't have 5 quarters...we have 3 teams after all."

"5 quarters. Can't we call it 5 5ths?"

"That's dumb-sounding. Let's just play."

And so the 5th quarter begins. Mikey attempts a dunk and ends up smashing his face against the backboard. My dad throws the ball up through the bottom of the hoop.

"You can't do that, dad!"

"Well, technically you can't have 3 teams, am I right?"

"That doesn't count as a score!"

"But it works! I mean, it went through the basket, didn't it?"

Donnie applies the rule of fractions and my dad gets a fourth of a point. By this ruling, at the end of the 5th quarter, Raph and I have 20 and 3/4ths points, Donnie and Leo have 19 and a half, and Dad and Mikey have 5 and a quarter. And a smashed face on Mikey's part.

"6th quarter! 6th quarter!" My dad cries.

"NO! 6th quarter-I mean, that's just going TOO FAR!"

"I think it sounds fine", Raph pants, "As long as I don't fall down dead before the end."

So after 6th quarter, we head across the street to the 7-11 for a drink. My dad gets us all sodas, against Donnie's better judgment.

"Soda actually dehydrates you, Mr. Milano."

"Get something with caffeine. It'll give you energy."

"And you're at risk of dying." Donnie opts for gatorade.

At the end of the game, we have 25 and 6 4ths of a point, Donnie and Leo have 24 and 9 12ths, and Dad and Mikey have somehow ended up with negative 53 and 82 quarters.

As Donnie and Raph engage in an argument over who has more points, Mikey and I argue about whether the last 2 quarters counted, because our basketball was stolen and we finished with a borrowed volleyball.

In the end we decide that we are all tied and go home for pie.


	17. Phone Conversation

Dad dials Splinter's number.

(Splinter picks up phone, which is ringing) "HELLO?"..."HOW DO YOU TURN THIS ON."

He accidentally presses the Hang Up button.

Dad is astounded that Splinter would be so rude as to hang up and calls again.

Splinter tries pressing the green button. "HELLO?"

"HELLO. THIS IS REESE'S DAD."

Splinter has accidentally pressed SpeakerPhone and drops the phone on the floor. Consequently it breaks in half. (It is an old phone.)

"Some people are SO Unbelievably Rude."

Dad dials my number but I accidentally left my phone in the Hamatos' bathroom. It rings and Splinter presses the right button this time...

Splinter steers cautiously away from the SpeakerPhone button. "HELLO?"

"HELLO."

"CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

"WHAT?"

"I SAID, CAN YOU HEAR ME."

"STOP MUMBLING."

(My dad accidentally turned the volume all the way down while trying to turn it up.)

"I'm telling you, so rude..." thinks my dad.

"HELLO. ARE YOU THERE. PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER."

Dad's finger accidentally presses on the volume up button and Splinter's voice causes him to fall down, luckily keeping his phone intact.

"HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Ok, ok, I can hear you now!"

"What?"

"I SAID I CAN HEAR YOU NOW!"

"Oh. Can I help you, Mr. Milano?"

"Yes, where be-est they childrens?"

You ought to know by now that my dad is nuts. Don't you?

"I'm sorry, what now?"

"Where be the chizzlens?"

Gangster mode, activated.

"Excuse me?"

"COMO ESTA ELL BAMBI."

What he means is "Donde esta el ninos." 1) my dad can't speak Spanish. 2) he meant Bambini. Don't judge him.

"Bambi is not real, Robert."

"Eh, don't call me Robert...it's BATMAN SECRET AGENT SPAGHETTI..."

"Robert, what were you trying to say?"

"Your phone is out of battery" says a mechanical voice from Dad's phone.

"NO!NONONONONONONO!"

"What?"

"THEY'RE COMING ITS THOSE VOICES IN MY HEAD AGAIN SAVE ME SAVE ME"

"WHAT? Robert, are you all right?"

"Where are the kids, hurry before it dies!"

"At the park, playing a game."

"I-" dad hangs up for effect and heads to the park.


	18. The Sensei Frogs

School, let me tell you, is a nightmare trap for many. Made even more so by the certainty that there will be a fight when you arrive and you will most likely get blamed for it. Even if it was your father's fault.

He sat me down last night in the kitchen.

"Marisa, I need to deliver the News of the Century."

As aforementioned, my dad is missing his Logicality Transmitter and probably isn't all there, with an almost undeniable case of ADHD. Brace yourself.

"If you insist on staying befriends with this disgustingly un-figure-out-able race of terraponds..." (he meant terrapins) "Which are also undeniably ninjaing their way around the continent, then you may as well be bodyguarded by them."

"In which terms you mean...what?"

"The sensei frogs must walk you to school."

I would have cracked up because of the fact that "The Sensei Frogs" sounded like some kind of outdated band or something. Except that I was stunned.

"But, dad-"

"I know, I know. You're too cool and updated for that now. WELL GUESS WHAT. NO!"

"Dad, I didn't even say anything."

"But I knew what you were going to say. It was my Telekinesis."

"Telepathy."

"Telephone."

I was tired of this game.

"So, then, what was I going to say?"

"You were going to say they were ungrateful toads-disguised-as-frogs-disguised-as-turtles (even though I, DAFFYDUCKTHEWIZARD, can see through their disguise) and you wanted to dump them in the dumpster with the rotten socks and old spaghetti."

"No, dad. I was going to say that-"

At this minute Donnie walked in and I shut my mouth.

"AAAAAH, DONNIE! Just the turtle I wanted to see!"

"Really, Mr. Robert?"

"No. I don't want to see you. Get out of my way."

And so my dad left the kitchen and I was left to deal with a rather huffy Donatello.

* * *

I'm walking to school now, with turtles flanking either side of me and the red school building up ahead of me. This is a nightmare.

Donnie insists on looking in every dumpster for useful trash; he'd going to make me late. Mikey is walking backwards, talking, and bouncing a ball in front of me at the same time; he'd going to make me fall. Raph's smashing every thing that makes noise; he's going to make me get in trouble. Leo's lecturing the importance of not bullying; he's going to make me get bored. They're going to cause an uproar in the courtyard when we get there; this is going to make me die.

And it's all my dad's fault.

Maybe I can still fix this.

When the school building's about 10 yards ahead, I dash in front of them. "Okay, guys, thanksforwalkingmetoschoolseeyalater!"

"Wait!" They're running after me. Oh no.

"Seriously, you can go home now!"

"But your dad said to make sure you go in the doors safely!"

"Gaaah..."

I slow to a stop in front of the school. Today it looms ominous under the dark clouds of October, glaring at me through the windows.

And there she is. Cause of their problems, bane of their existence. A seemingly innocent owl-printed book bag on her shoulder, t-shirt and jeans. High tops and a music-note necklace, one of the more popular girls in school. It's Karai. You guessed it. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.

They gasp and stand still. Anime. Then Leo takes out his swords.

Oh, joy.

"Leo!" I hiss. "Don't you DARE!"

"She is the enemy", he growled.

Then they rush.

Karai whirls.

"Aaaah! Random creep!", she screams.

"Don't pretend, Karai!"

"HELP! HELLLLLPPPP! FREE DONUTS FREE DONUTS!" That's what they tell us to yell. It gets more attention.

Karai pretends to faint on the floor of the courtyard.

Leo is standing over her with his swords. "What just happened?" Then a bunch of teenage boys drag him away.

I whirl on the other three. "Go home. NOW."

"But- -"

"GIT!" Yup, a bit of Texas lingo for you there.

They can't deny the Texas lingo. They run home, soon followed by a battered Leo.

Karai sits up from the grass. "Wow, Reese, you have some weird friends."

"Why'd you do that? You coulda run him through with your sword. Save me one less turtle of trouble."

"Hahaha. I have a reputation to protect."

We head to the doors of the school. Things sure went better than planned today, I guess.


End file.
